Breaking Free: No More Comfort Zone....

Why Do We Fear Change?

Even though the usual saying is when life gives you lemons, make lemonade, I prefer using the lemons to throw at people.  I'm only kidding, but, I do see the world differently from most people.   If you hand me a project to do, I will straight attack it without thinking twice about how I should even approach it.  Being the creative person I am, I would want the project to be visually represented when others would think a research paper would suffice.  Anyways, when an opportunity arises like a possible new door to open, you can either jiggle the handle, knock, or not even worry what is behind it.  There's no such thing as fate but there are  several paths we could go depending on the choices we make as we go.  

Human nature and fear go hand in hand.  Lust, love, attachment or whatever you want to consider it, is all but a feeling some tend to think is needed.  I am one of those people.  Growing up, I was a loner but as I've gotten older, and of course become more outgoing with taking care of my health, I now crave having a companion or someone around.  From being fine with being alone to now hating the feeling, is a drastic change. Coming to terms with this new found want to have people around, not being a very social person made this even harder for this to happen. Having a mostly sheltered childhood and teen life, I wasn't used to interaction with people my own age so I never felt I fit in enough to actually hang out with people who were the same age as I was. In high school , I took to th internet to make friends and connect because I just wasn't comfortable with talking to those who were even right next to me. As I got older. I found friends in far away places who did befriend me, help me, etc and I still talk to some of them even until this day.  Me fleeing to the safety of technology came even more into play when I tried to get into the dating scene.

 Dating or Mating?

After never dating anyone before, not even my ex of four years, this dating world is truly messed up on so many levels. A "serious" relationship is when you only see one person at a time yet no commitment or an "open" relationship has you sleeping with whoever you want. So then, when your man gets another girl pregnant or you get pregnant by another guy, the shit hits the fan.  I don't get it and never will.  To me, a serious relationship would be sex with one person that you've known for a good while and you aren't just jumping into bed to decide if they are good enough or not before you are on to the next person.  What has this world come to?  

If you are having sex to fulfill just a need then fine but if you see it is like "fit the round peg into the triangular hole until it fits right" then how could you ever find someone that will stay with you for more than one night? I guess my view on things is more skewed than the majority of the world in that I care who I let into my life.  

What is Even Considered a "Relationship"?

It is sad but it seems that the world does not want to be tied down and the few that do struggle to get past those who don't want to be, getting hurt in the process.  It is like we are afraid to feel anything or have a full connection to or with anyone.  

To me, if you focus on one person, spend all your time with them, are emotionally connected, physically attracted, and just fully into each other, I think that is what a relationship is.  All these little flings of lust or just wanting to .... are truly not relationships.  Say what you want but a one night stand isn't a relationship.  Not even close.


Online Dating

After realizing it was time to get out of my little bubble, this new way of connecting with people online came full circle when I signed up on a dating app.  This was something I thought I would never do but I actually found guys who seemed too good to be true. One year later, I think I'm done with searching because I was used, lied to, hurt, made fun of, and torn down to where I just feel the need to take care of myself before I bring anyone else in.  I'm talking to guys still in the hopes that a friendship will build from getting to know them more. I've just been lied to so much and hurt that my insecurities and trust issues are through the roof. Not many people, especially men, would care to look past that to see me underneath all of the pain I suffer. The few close friends I have I've made connections with online.  That word 'friend' I also use sparingly because people will say that just to get what they need then leave.  So, with all the loss I've come across in my lifetime, the heart break, etc, my fear of abandonment and being alone just gets worse as time goes on. I'm slowly trying to put the past aside to really get to know people but no one truly gets his many things have happened that made me weary of even telling someone hi. I'm not sure how someone can lead someone else on just for the satisfaction of getting only what they want to then only drop them just as fast.

I want and need someone to prove me wrong. Someone to show me I am special and not just another 'friend', female, .... toy, set of stairs on their way up, or a door mat they can walk all over. I may be strong to most of the people who come across me, know me, or those who know my story, but I'm emotionally a wreck because all I've ever wanted was to be loved or happy, and that has yet to happen. So I wait for that person to come along to shake my thinking and until then , I will keep working on healing myself because no one else can do that for me. I will rebuild myself and show all those who did me wrong that their loss was my gain. You didn't break me but only make me stronger.  

Time to Focus on Me: Confronting my Past

Personal Relationships

Since leaving my ex boyfriend of 4 years, I got lost in thinking that I needed a guy around or in my life.  I would get emotionally attached too quickly and end up getting hurt every time.  I have yet to find a guy who shows me exactly what he says or means.  I haven't been put first and I really cared too much for people who truly didn't care as much about me.  I feel I was being manipulated into staying with each guy, in different ways, but the same thing would happen over and over.  There was always something they were hiding and I'm sadly an open book.  After leaving this last guy, I realized I needed to get my own life together before allowing anyone else in.  Several friends have been telling me this all along but I had to wake up and find out for myself. 

 It took way too long and I went through way too much unneeded pain. 

If I take a closer look at the relationships I was in(if you can even call them that) or the guys I was involved with, there is a set pattern.  None of them truly had their lives together, most were looking for someone to replace their mother, and all seemed to trick me into thinking they cared when they just knew I was a nice person.  Each and every one of them drained me while I was with them.  To better elaborate on that, I'm a very energy sensitive person. 

 Any guy I associated with would always drain me.  None balanced me out or actually boosted me up. Always drug me down.  I got lost in the situation and kept losing who I was as a person. 

 The right guy will not expect me to do everything for him, will not drain the life from me, or even have me second guessing if I am the only woman he wants to be with.  

He will just treat me well, accept me for who I am, and understand what makes me tick.

Family

When it comes to my relationship with my family, it has been broken since my mother passed away going on 11 years come this November.  Losing other loved ones after her that I was close to, facing other tragedies as well, and even having people straight walk out of my life has also wore my connection thin with the people I should be the closest to.  I'm sadly closer to friends that I barely know than the people that have been in my life since I was born.  Things happen and we slowly grow apart but we will never forget that each other are always there when we need them.  Now, this doesn't apply to every member of my family, but then, I don't have much of an immediate family left.  No grand parents, my mom isn't here, and my parents didn't come from large families.  So, I'm grateful to have the family I do have but they're just not the best people to go to for advice or to confide in.  There is one thing for certain though, even if we struggle to show it, we do all love each other.

Work

I really can't say much about this aspect for a few reasons, but, I have made several good friends working where I do.  I've also made connections that have slowly help me connect with even more people.  Being a math tutor can be tiring, stressful, and rewarding.  The only thing I can't stand is the double standard that is still around.  I may get confronted or complained about for doing something when there are other workers that may be doing the same things.  I have had two managers since working in the lab and they are complete opposites.  Everyone is different though and you learn how to understand every perspective that someone may have, even if you don't agree with them.  It is time for me to move on from this job soon though.  I've hit that point where I just know a change needs to occur and I'm in the process of inquiring about another tutoring job so wish me luck.

A Suggestion to Anyone and Everyone

As you start to grow and the people around you either back track, remain stagnant, or hinder your progress,  there becomes a necessity to alter things to make change happen.  Once you become comfortable with anything, you tend to not want to get out of that bubble you may be in.  Sometimes, you have to learn on your own what is the right thing to do.  You may have everyone and their momma trying to influence your choices or decisions but only you know what will benefit you the most.   To anyone out there reading this and wondering how much of their own lives have been dictated by others, really start to think about it.  How many things that you had decided on were by your own choosing? Even something as simple as a color to dye your hair or what shirt goes with what tie.  People will try and control someone when they feel they are weak when it's not the case.  For me, I never was told I was worth anything, beautiful, smart, etc as a kid or ever until I met my ex boyfriend.  There was nothing for me to know what was truth and what was just something I was told that I ended up believing.  Now, I'm facing all these fears I've had thrown to the back of mind as I'm in relationships and my issues come across as insecurities.  I have a lot of work to do on myself and writing what I feel is one of my methods to get through this hard time. 


I do appreciate the readers of my blogs or posts.  The support is not unnoticed or unappreciated.  If anyone would like an opinion or my thoughts on a particular subject, no matter what it may be, feel free to comment or message me.  I want to be able to help others to the fullest.  Feedback would help me to understand what I need to focus more on when I write or what my readers may want to hear more about.  God bless you all and hope to hear from at least one of you!

Keeping My Sanity

No matter what anyone may tell you, you will always know what is best for you. I have to keep telling myself this every time someone decides to make a comment about something or share their opinion with me. 

Stay Positive no Matter What...

The other thing I've come to realize is that the environment you live in and the people you are constantly around can influence your feelings and emotions.  My whole life, I've been surrounded by negativity, negative people and almost had daily challenges to overcome.  Every person will have their struggles along their journey through life.  The only difference between me and the next person is how I've handled everything that has been thrown at me.  It is true that the way you approach a  situation will make all the difference when it comes to the outcome.  I used to live in the negative and let it take over my whole being.  I would sulk, cry, and blame the world around me for all that was "wrong" in my life instead of working on myself or what I saw as "wrong".  The only problem with doing what I had done by never working on the issues in my life is now I have to face them head on.  This overwhelming want and need to get myself out of this comfortable "rut" while also trying to keep myself balanced energy wise is a challenge in itself.  

More Work to be Done...

For anyone wondering about the goals/affirmations list that I write daily, this was the one for today, April 19th.  Work had me so non-stop that, by the time I got home, I was exhausted.  I didn't even take a lunch or bathroom break and almost crashed once I got in bed.  I pushed myself, got an hour workout in, and still got at least half of the things on this list accomplished.  That is all that matters.  I'm making the effort day after day to get myself one step ahead of where I was the day before.  I've done a great job with my physical health but this all is to improve my mental health.  That aspect has yet to catch up with the new me I've worked so hard to become.  This whole process will be a long one but I will keep blogging, writing, doing my art, working out, etc because that is how I've learned to cope.

I'm only 3 days into this and I did have a rough past few days outside of working on improving myself.  The guy I left has texted me which did kind of bring back emotions and thoughts I was trying to push aside.  The thing about this breakup was that I had lost myself in trying to help him and I wasn't benefiting from it at all besides feeling good for helping someone in need.  So seeing a text about him now having a car really didn't make me feel any different about my decision to get out while I could.  He contradicted himself, lied right to my face, and had a lot of personal things that weren't taken care of.  I knew we rushed into it and both of us were too attached.  I blocked him on all social media not to be ugly but to keep me from even seeing him or what he was doing.  Distancing myself is the best way to move on.  

Looking Back......

If some of you have read my other blogs or blog posts, I haven't had a good experience when it comes to dating. It stems back to issues I had with my father growing up then my first boyfriend using me, controlling me, emotionally abusing me and I didn't even realize it until I left him.  I had ignored the red flags and was with him almost 4 years.  I saw some of the same things happening with this last guy and I got out early.  It just was too soon and I we both needed to work on ourselves.  I have my own things to get done before I bring someone else into my life.  I heard this quote on the radio yesterday and it truly is perfect: "Don't let your loneliness lower your standards".  I was letting this happen and I deserve better than what I was settling for all this time.  Worst part of this whole thing is that I've been in love before...and that guy just happens to still be around.  Working to get him fully out of my life as well because all he's done is hurt me, bring more negativity into my life, and cause unnecessary drama.  Everyone tells me to just ditch him, but, not everyone knows the whole story.  That is in another blog and a  story for a later time.  Right now, I'm taking care of my business, working on my own happiness, and learning to love myself for the first time ever in my life. 

Waking Up Just in Time

It's hard when you come to a realization of any kind, especially when it involves the repetition of certain things.  The problem that arises is that you allow it to keep happening over and over.  Personally, for me, it became a continuous struggle while searching for a companion.  I would search and search when I shouldn't have been because I kept finding the same type of guy: sweet at first, a gentleman, then slowly they would change or the truth about them would come out one way or another.  I was trapped in an almost 4 year relationship with my ex boyfriend before I even saw what he was doing to me and  I didn't even recognize it until I left him.  Recently, I was seeing a guy and this time around, I noticed the red flags I ignored with my ex right away and got myself out before I was too involved.  Of course he didn't say much and I was like, well, just another user.  If you are used to certain things, you tend to ignore the obvious signs.  This time around, I followed my instincts and stood up for myself.  It's truly time I took care of myself and pushed myself out of my comfort zone.  Time for me to get my life moving in another direction: closer to a future that is brighter than I could ever imagine.  I just have to take small steps to let them turn into larger ones. 

Putting exes and the subject of failed relationships aside, I want to share some of my future plans I'm slowly putting into action:

*Moving out of my father's house
*Looking into an actual career, more schooling, etc
*Working more with my writing/art
*Searching for more opportunities for work
*Staying single to work on myself as a whole
*Looking into getting health insurance for myself
-Possibility of skin removal surgery after losing over 200 pounds naturally
-Possibility of the removal of a lipoma on my lower back
*Removing all negativity from my life, one day at a time

Now this may seem like a lot and it is, plus, it has been overwhelming, especially with the emotional pain of leaving the guy I was seeing, but, I'm trying something out to make sure I get all the above done.  I even have friends who are keeping me accountable.  For the next few days to weeks, I'm gonna write a list of 10 goals/affirmations that I must do at least 5 of.  As the day ends, I will write on the back of each page ways for me to improve to where I can accomplish all 10.  This will help me reach for what I want and will also help me stay on track.  Not every day will have goals either.  Some days will be designated for reflection to help me learn to love, accept, and be proud of who I've become.

Here was today's list:
April 17, 2017

Here is how tomorrow's looks:
April 18, 2017

These are just examples and they are working even though I've only been trying this out for a day.  It excites me when I can cross things off my list and even add on to it.  What works for me may not work for someone else,but, I will keep posting each day and if they were successful or not depending on it being a goal or affirmation day.  I've already hit 6 out of 10 for today so I'm gonna see if I can even make 7.  

I have more good news to come soon, but, this is all for today.  I hope this helps someone or gives someone ideas.  If anyone else may have suggestions, feel free to reply or comment. I am open to other options. Thank you for the continued suppport and God bless.