Why Do We Fear Change?
Even though the usual saying is when life gives you lemons, make lemonade, I prefer using the lemons to throw at people. I'm only kidding, but, I do see the world differently from most people. If you hand me a project to do, I will straight attack it without thinking twice about how I should even approach it. Being the creative person I am, I would want the project to be visually represented when others would think a research paper would suffice. Anyways, when an opportunity arises like a possible new door to open, you can either jiggle the handle, knock, or not even worry what is behind it. There's no such thing as fate but there are several paths we could go depending on the choices we make as we go.
Human nature and fear go hand in hand. Lust, love, attachment or whatever you want to consider it, is all but a feeling some tend to think is needed. I am one of those people. Growing up, I was a loner but as I've gotten older, and of course become more outgoing with taking care of my health, I now crave having a companion or someone around. From being fine with being alone to now hating the feeling, is a drastic change. Coming to terms with this new found want to have people around, not being a very social person made this even harder for this to happen. Having a mostly sheltered childhood and teen life, I wasn't used to interaction with people my own age so I never felt I fit in enough to actually hang out with people who were the same age as I was. In high school , I took to th internet to make friends and connect because I just wasn't comfortable with talking to those who were even right next to me. As I got older. I found friends in far away places who did befriend me, help me, etc and I still talk to some of them even until this day. Me fleeing to the safety of technology came even more into play when I tried to get into the dating scene.
Dating or Mating?
After never dating anyone before, not even my ex of four years, this dating world is truly messed up on so many levels. A "serious" relationship is when you only see one person at a time yet no commitment or an "open" relationship has you sleeping with whoever you want. So then, when your man gets another girl pregnant or you get pregnant by another guy, the shit hits the fan. I don't get it and never will. To me, a serious relationship would be sex with one person that you've known for a good while and you aren't just jumping into bed to decide if they are good enough or not before you are on to the next person. What has this world come to?
If you are having sex to fulfill just a need then fine but if you see it is like "fit the round peg into the triangular hole until it fits right" then how could you ever find someone that will stay with you for more than one night? I guess my view on things is more skewed than the majority of the world in that I care who I let into my life.
What is Even Considered a "Relationship"?
It is sad but it seems that the world does not want to be tied down and the few that do struggle to get past those who don't want to be, getting hurt in the process. It is like we are afraid to feel anything or have a full connection to or with anyone.
To me, if you focus on one person, spend all your time with them, are emotionally connected, physically attracted, and just fully into each other, I think that is what a relationship is. All these little flings of lust or just wanting to .... are truly not relationships. Say what you want but a one night stand isn't a relationship. Not even close.
Online Dating
After realizing it was time to get out of my little bubble, this new way of connecting with people online came full circle when I signed up on a dating app. This was something I thought I would never do but I actually found guys who seemed too good to be true. One year later, I think I'm done with searching because I was used, lied to, hurt, made fun of, and torn down to where I just feel the need to take care of myself before I bring anyone else in. I'm talking to guys still in the hopes that a friendship will build from getting to know them more. I've just been lied to so much and hurt that my insecurities and trust issues are through the roof. Not many people, especially men, would care to look past that to see me underneath all of the pain I suffer. The few close friends I have I've made connections with online. That word 'friend' I also use sparingly because people will say that just to get what they need then leave. So, with all the loss I've come across in my lifetime, the heart break, etc, my fear of abandonment and being alone just gets worse as time goes on. I'm slowly trying to put the past aside to really get to know people but no one truly gets his many things have happened that made me weary of even telling someone hi. I'm not sure how someone can lead someone else on just for the satisfaction of getting only what they want to then only drop them just as fast.
I want and need someone to prove me wrong. Someone to show me I am special and not just another 'friend', female, .... toy, set of stairs on their way up, or a door mat they can walk all over. I may be strong to most of the people who come across me, know me, or those who know my story, but I'm emotionally a wreck because all I've ever wanted was to be loved or happy, and that has yet to happen. So I wait for that person to come along to shake my thinking and until then , I will keep working on healing myself because no one else can do that for me. I will rebuild myself and show all those who did me wrong that their loss was my gain. You didn't break me but only make me stronger.
Online Dating
After realizing it was time to get out of my little bubble, this new way of connecting with people online came full circle when I signed up on a dating app. This was something I thought I would never do but I actually found guys who seemed too good to be true. One year later, I think I'm done with searching because I was used, lied to, hurt, made fun of, and torn down to where I just feel the need to take care of myself before I bring anyone else in. I'm talking to guys still in the hopes that a friendship will build from getting to know them more. I've just been lied to so much and hurt that my insecurities and trust issues are through the roof. Not many people, especially men, would care to look past that to see me underneath all of the pain I suffer. The few close friends I have I've made connections with online. That word 'friend' I also use sparingly because people will say that just to get what they need then leave. So, with all the loss I've come across in my lifetime, the heart break, etc, my fear of abandonment and being alone just gets worse as time goes on. I'm slowly trying to put the past aside to really get to know people but no one truly gets his many things have happened that made me weary of even telling someone hi. I'm not sure how someone can lead someone else on just for the satisfaction of getting only what they want to then only drop them just as fast.
I want and need someone to prove me wrong. Someone to show me I am special and not just another 'friend', female, .... toy, set of stairs on their way up, or a door mat they can walk all over. I may be strong to most of the people who come across me, know me, or those who know my story, but I'm emotionally a wreck because all I've ever wanted was to be loved or happy, and that has yet to happen. So I wait for that person to come along to shake my thinking and until then , I will keep working on healing myself because no one else can do that for me. I will rebuild myself and show all those who did me wrong that their loss was my gain. You didn't break me but only make me stronger.
No comments:
Post a Comment